my rachel berry moment

so it’s been awhile since i’ve written here, and i was at a particularly low point then. i’ve bounced back a bit though. this week, i have been in a wonderful mood. i got to lay the smackdown on someone at work. i’ve hung out with friends i haven’t seen in awhile and new friends from twitter. oh, and i’ve officially dropped 60 pounds. i am amazed that i’ve hit such a huge milestone. i only have 7.8 left to reach my goal! it’s insane to me, yet again, that i’m successfully working to take off all the weight i’ve been putting on for the last 17 years of my life. and this is the first week that i’ve felt this good about all my hard work. not that my body feels any different, and i definitely still classify myself as a fat kid. however, i have been getting so many compliments this week. i am a sucker for positive reinforcement

the women working the desk at weight watchers kicked it off by telling me how inspiring i could be and how i should think about working for weight watchers. when i got to campus that evening, a woman stopped me to tell me how much she loved my hair. we got into a 15minute conversation about natural hair, comparing notes and such. the next day, my boss told me what a great job i’d been doing on my current project. plus our security guard commented on how great i looked and how well i was doing. she always notices the day after that, i ran into my coworker who just got back from maternity leave. she was also impressed with my progress. then later in the night i was harassed because a friend thinks i’m more attractive than my twitter avatar lets on. seriously, people, i am a whore for compliments right now

so i was thoroughly disappointed when, at my substitute weight watchers meeting, no one made a big deal of my progress. there were a few claps, but that was all. bitches, do you know how hard i’ve worked for this? …ok, not terribly hard in recent weeks, but still! i’m doing great! as i write this, i’m walking on the treadmill after a two month break. i’ve been enjoying dinners out without going overboard. i’ve eaten leftover halloween candy not by the handfuls. i’ve balanced things to benefit me instead of whining about being off the wagon again. what gives? why don’t you care???

*deep big girl breath* i’m not 3 anymore, and i don’t need applause to survive. the world doesn’t revolve around me and my needs. not everyone i come into contact with is going to think i’m the shit. not everyone is going to beg for before and after pictures. not everyone is going to take notes on how i did all that i did. it’s quite disappointing to think no one cares, but it’s not true. people do care. the people who know me and have been watching me over the last 19 months. the people who have been working towards similar goals along side me. they’re the ones who care for and support me. and they see all the things i miss. losing weight can be a big deal, whether it’s 10 or 100 pounds. however, it’s easy to lose yourself in the weight loss. i don’t stop to take notice of changes in my appearance or attitude. according to everyone else though, i look healthier, happier and more confident. i live on compliments right now because people are my magic mirrors. when i look at myself, i see the same girl i’ve seen since i was 16. when other people see me, it’s like they see the woman i’ve always dreamed to be. and they always say the nicest things about her. those are the moments in which i actually believe i can be her