In the wee hours of the morning, I suddenly jerked awake out of a nightmare, covered in sweat and shaking.
In it, B (well, some weird, nightmare-y version of him, anyway) and I had been on the verge of breaking up. I stared at him in disbelief and finally said,
“Just look me in the eyes, and tell me if you love me.”
Evil Dream Boyfriend That Looked Like B sighed, looked at me condescendingly, and with an air of dismissal, said,
“Look, it’s just a matter of timing… and physics.”
As I felt my heart cave in on itself, my dream subconscious knew exactly what “physics” meant… it meant physically. It meant, I’m no longer attracted to you. It meant, you’ve let yourself go… to the point where I don’t want you anymore.
And then I woke up, and I saw my darling man next to me, and immediately knew how utterly ridiculous that was. And he held me while I sobbed my dream-y tears and told me how much he loved me and how silly I was to say anything different, even if it was inspired by an ahole of a nightmare.
Because, of course, this dream had absolutely nothing to do with my sweetheart of a boyfriend, who would NEVER do or say or even feel anything like that.
It was 100% straight out of my own entirely fucked up insecurities. From watching The First Wives Club one too many times, to hating the way my Fat Pants suddenly fit a bit too perfectly, to a miserable decade of Battling of the Bulge… it was all ME, baby.
The bottom line is, I have felt so completely and utterly not in control of ANYTHING lately. The past few months, I’ve always had ten more things going on than I can handle. First it was the MTV gig, now the job hunt, and through it all, I keep taking on side project after side project. The words “No” and “I can’t” and “I’m sorry, but…” are, apparently, not in my vocabulary.
And of course, when LIFE becomes entirely overwhelming, the first thing to get pushed to the side (for me) is any semblance of a reasonable diet and/or exercise.
So this time, I’m going to do things a bit differently. While I do want to take control of the rest of my life, all that stuff is not going to be my first priority (and will be discussed on el regular blog). I will certainly work on finding a way to organize; to control; to get myself to a place where I can BREATHE again.
But for now? My #1 priority is feeling good about myself.
It’s no secret what I need to do; STOP the greasy food, STOP drinking on week nights, STOP slacking off with SparkPeople.com… and for the love of Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, GET MY ASS BACK TO A GYM.
It’s time to get serious, y’all. Because for realsies… these nightmares are messing with my beauty sleep.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
LiLu, you have just tapped into my worst nightmare with your nightmare.
I cannot tell you what kind of psychological damage that would do to someone who already has a paper-thin self-esteem about herself. I think I would seriously pack it up, and call it a life. Become a nun and get transferred to some small island in the Mediterranean where I could at least have nice weather and beautiful oceans for company.
With the countdown to the UK like, seconds away, I have completely for gotten what words like, ‘moderation’ and ‘balance’ mean. *sigh*
I think I need to write a post about that. You’ve inspired me. Thanks for letting us in on your personal stuff. It helps to know that someone as sexy as yourself feels the same as I do.
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
@Tiffani,
Thanks so much for the kind words, lady. And I saw your post in the “pending” list- glad to inspire.
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This is exactly EXACTLY how I feel lately. I have had a very similar epiphany as well. There is so much I want to do with my life, but I’m not even going to be able to enjoy it until I can get “me” in order. Good luck to us both!
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
@carissajaded,
We can totally do it. It’s time. <3
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SparkPeople.com is a full-time job. For serious. I try to do it and then go make dinner from scratch (which in theory should be healthy) and lose all sense of how to then break it down into some way that’s meaningful to my calorie-counting nemesis. I give up!
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
@A Super Girl,
It’s EXHAUSTING. Though I did put the app on my ‘Berry, right on the front screen, so I have to look at it every time I glance at my phone. Which is eleventy billion times a day, give or take. Here’s hoping that helps…
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hugs, friend. You’re beautiful and i heart you. Physically.
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
@flipflopsintherain,
Two way street, lady friend. <3 <3 <3
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Sorry about the awful dream. But sometimes, I guess these things happen for a reason: to give us a kick in the ass, haha. You’ve got this. I mean, you’ve got everything you’ve ever set your mind to because you’re amazing sooo it only makes sense that you’ve got this too.
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
@Ali,
I agree- definitely a kick in the ass that I needed. Thanks, Miss Also-Totally-Amazing. xoxo
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You ARE beautiful, and I know what this perspective shift feels like. For me, it was after committing to yoga in a pretty big way – not because of the physical changes my body found (though that’s cool), but because it was one thing that made me feel more capable and stronger than anything else ever. It stopped being about weight and size and was more about strength and ability. Totally changed the way I see body image. I still run because yes, my fat pants fit a little too well also, but I also run because it feels good and I feel better when I take care of myself. Your #1 priority is a good one – FEEL GOOD.
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
@Doniree,
I’m hoping that with a new job I’ll have morning hours to get more into yoga, for sure. I could use some extra strength right now.
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You are beautiful, I am beautiful, we know this and yet, I can completely identify with these feelings (and nightmares). Somehow equating physical appearance with love becomes so natural. And it’s so wrong. But it’s also such a paradigm shift when you realize you don’t deserve this, and you decide to change it. Good for you.
I’ve been meaning to write a post about a book I read recently that has helped me so much. I think this is my wake-up call to finally write it. So thank you for that.
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
@LesleyG,
Please do. I have a camping (cabin-ing) trip coming up, and maybe that book should accompany me on it…
xo
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I’ve been told by the fiancé that I’m not allowed to hold him responsible for the things that my dream/nightmare version of him says in my sleep. :p
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
@Hope,
HA. I imagine B would say the same as well!
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Gyms suck. Your body only last so long anyways. I say, stick with the side projects, monetize that shizzle, and stop the need for working all together.
redheadranting.com did it. I read her ebook. I’ll have an ebook of my own should her techniques plus mine work.
Working for yourself and making money without having to ship nothing out from anywhere with an internet connection, making your own schedule, if that don’t solve lots of issues i don’t know what will!
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LiLu Reply:
August 18th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
@Mike,
Haha, okay. Sort of not what I was going for here… but thanks for the encouragement, in any direction.
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I feel like this is kind of my reality right now- that the reason why I’m not exclusive with the guy I’m casually seeing is because I’m not perfect physically or even close. I feel like if I were at my goal weight- he’d be smitten with me. Maybe not, but it’s the sole reason why I feel we’re not actually together. He’s great and would never say I look bad, but ….. those are definitely my insecurities. And have been for a looooonnng time.
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LiLu Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 8:26 am
@Amy,
I hope you don’t truly believe that, lady… if that really might be the case, everything he owns in a box to the left.
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Be my SparkFriend!! (trcarnes)
Also, as someone who has managed to stick to a diet/exercise plan (for the most part) for a few months now, I do have one little tiny warning: Don’t let THAT become the all-consuming Thing in your life that matters more than anything else. Basically, don’t let it override stuff like spending time with B and your close friends. That’s something I’m still trying to figure out in terms of balance, and I think my poor husband has, more often than not, been left feeling like, “Great, I have this sexy wife who is in shape and all toned up and yet she never has any time to shake her stuff at me.”
Just sayin’.
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LiLu Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 8:25 am
@Tabitha,
How the hell do I add someone on there?? I’ve been looking for like five minutes. Where is my helmet?
And definitely agreed re: balance… though the chances of me becoming that person are approximately -1 million %. I wish.
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Tabitha Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 10:39 am
@LiLu, Haha — it’s not very intuitive, I guess cuz there’s so much damn stuff on that website. Click the Community tab, then find the orange box in the lower left corner and click “Visit SparkPages”. There’s a buddy finder box, and you should be able to find me by typing “trcarnes” in the username field. THEN you can go to my page and click “Add as SparkFriend” on the right.
Of course, I still have no idea what the point is of having “friends” on there, because I don’t use the site for blogging or very much community interaction. I just like the validation of having more friends.
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LiLu Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 10:43 am
@Tabitha,
I did it!!! *happy dance*
oh, but it’s the truth. we have to set priorities and focus on what matters. the MTV thing mattered to you – it really hit the core of yourself and your passion. your dreams are your subconscious though, and its telling you THIS matters to you MORE. so take a second, recenter, and structure your life accordingly.
maybe then you’ll have some dreams involving your BF that are a little more “pleasant”
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LiLu Reply:
August 19th, 2010 at 8:26 am
@Kelly,
True story, lady friend. Recentering, commence!!
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Oh girl, you have no idea how many times I have had an awful dream like that. Except when I wake up, I’m crying and mad at Nick. That sucks that you had that dream, and you are gorgeous, but as we all know, it’s not about how others see you, it’s about how you see yourself.
Anyways, if you need someone to help cheer you on, lemme know. I need someone to remind me to pay attention to my flub in school, and also knowing someone else is staying sober M-F would be awesome.
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*hugs* that’s a scary horribly dream. i hope you can find the time and motivation to focus on you
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I am sooo with you on this, hon. Especially since I’ve basically been boozing non-stop for the past week and a half, after weeks of actually being quite good.
Let’s do this!!!
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