Raise your hand if you’ve got this one song or artist that really pumps you up like the Govinator and just gets you in that I-can-kill-you-a-thousand-ways-with-my-buns-of-steel kind of mood.
I raised my hand… I hope to whatever god you might or might not pray to that at least one other person did as well.
As all of you might know by now, I like to get you all in a workout mood by making you laugh… or giving you zombie like moon reasons to get your pretty little bon-bons in shape.
I hope this fits the bill… because a funny thing happened on my way to the moon the other day (I was scoping out prime real estate opportunities. Yay me…). I realized that the kind of “Gymer” that we are can totally be scoped out by the jam we choose to lead off our workout with.
Disclaimer: This is all in good humor and in no way stereotypes anyone, especially those that don’t take the time to make playlists and are lazy, so they just push shuffle on the 2000 songs they’ve accumulated on their ever-precious iPod. Yes, I’m talking about you, ASSHOLE!
LADY GAGA people: These are the kinds of people who just want to have fun, or are desperately trying to impress people. “Look how many crunches I can do. Isn’t my ass firm? Don’t I look cute in this track suit? Oh, my God, I know, isn’t Lady Gaga phenomenal?” Yeah, that’s what I think you’re going to say when I see you on the Treadmill and all I hear is “Just Dance” or “Alejandro” blasting from your ears which should be even further away from me than they already are. Please, get a new reason to work out. Guys may congregate to gyms, but that shouldn’t be your sole reason for being there.
TECHNO people: These are the strange group of weirdos who walk in and make you think, “What the Hell are these anorexic bitches even doing here in the first place? Preparing for another rave?” I’m scared of techno people. They may be preparing to end the world by summoning aliens with their weird music skills… and that’s why they’re working out. Maybe they ARE aliens. Oh sweet Jeebus… now I’m scared. Hold me.
MUSE people: No matter how many times you work out to “Supermassive Black Hole” you will never be able to play baseball with the Cullens. Find. New. Music. Now.
EYE OF THE TIGER people: This cheesy ass 80s song is the favorite of those gymers who have dreams of being boxers, or being able to fit back in their “skinny boxers”. This is a diverse truth. It is the anthem of the lonely, possibly demented, possibly schizophrenic people who think that one day they might rule the world… or at least be able to punch the air really, really fast.
70S ROCK people: This is the group you should be truly terrified of, and with good reason. Ted Nugent, Led Zepplin, Queen, Ozzy, AC/DC… These are the angry mofos who have pretty much only one purpose: to be a bad ass. This doesn’t matter if it’s just to beat up small kids for their lunch money, preparing for a zombie apocalypse, or, worse, preparing for the inevitable trip to jail that at least 80 percent of this demographic might make. Stay away from these people. They’re ravenous… I mean, really, they’re hungry. We eat A LOT. It’s called the munchies, and I won’t tell you what it comes from.
Final Disclamier, D*Bags: Everything I ever say is in good fun. Suing me for false accusations will achieve nothing. I’m broke. So chill, a’ight? PS: I love all of you. I didn’t mean those things I said. I swear. It’s just the carbs talking.
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Holey moley, that was awesomely hilarious!
..& so true!
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What about those of us who listen to Disney songs? Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid?
Maybe I should turn my ipod down when I’m at the gym…
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