Hello friends, I haven’t posted in a while. I didn’t at first because my workout routine has stayed pretty much the same, and I felt like it may be boring to hear over and over again how Molly and I are running, and how far we go, and how I haven’t tried the Jillian DVD again because she scares the crap out of me. Even though I know I need to do it… I want my 6 pack abs and toned arms desperately, but for some reason I still have not put it back in the DVD player. Laziness? Perhaps.
But now I have a problem. I am not working out at all, and it’s perhaps a time in my life when I should be simply because it would be a distraction from the reality of this weekend, and would ease the slight depression I feel. Let me explain… Last weekend, I took 4 full days off from both jobs because I needed a break. I never do this, but I wanted to de-stress, have time to myself, and go to the beach. So on Sunday, my friends and I went to the beach. While I was there, I got the most horrible text message of my life. “Rachel, thank God you aren’t at work today. There was a shooting.” It took what felt like an hour for this to sink in. A shooting?? At Target?? What. The. Fuck. And so began the crying, the shaking, the not-knowing, the finding out, and the beginning to a very. very long emotional week. If you want to read how it all went down, you can here. But the basics are that the ex boyfriend of a cashier came into the store and killed her while she stood at her register, at 11:30 on a Sunday, in front of all 200+ people in the store that day. He didn’t kill anyone else, (except himself, coward,) and all I can do is thank God for that, and for the fact that I was not there.
Since Sunday, I keep telling myself that I will go for a run. It will make me feel better. Hell, when I’m angry all I want to do is workout. But I’m not angry, I’m sad and a little depressed. I am the queen of what-ifs, and I can’t stop wondering and thinking. I could really use a rush of endorphins. But I just got in from the funeral, and I think I will be taking a nap after I finish writing this. I’m exhausted in every sense of the word. Going and working at both jobs tomorrow seems like a daunting request. How do you all deal with things like this? I feel like I would end up the crazy girl crying on the side of the road if I went. Maybe I need a treadmill, and I can get off when I need too. Who knows. All I know is I don’t have the energy right now, to do anything. Naptime it is..
{ 1 trackback }
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
oh god I’m so sorry. If running helps but you end up on the side of the road crying… Well who cares. Do what helps You & screw the other people. I am so sorry that such violence has touched your life & so glad you didn’t witness it. Just do what you need to do & don’t worry what it looks like.
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:24 am
@Kandace, Thanks so much for this nice comment
I still haven’t gone for my run yet, but I’m hoping to be up for it this week.
[Reply]
wow. I really don’t know what to say. Sounds like you have a lot going on and it’s definitely quite a lot to absorb and deal with. I know what it’s like to have 2 jobs and essentially work around the clock and not have time to work out etc. Good for you for taking some time off to refresh. Sorry to hear about what happened though. If you’d like some accountability or even just someone to talk with- I’d be more than willing to help or listen
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:25 am
@Amy, Thanks so much for the offer, I just might have to take you up on that one of these days!
[Reply]
Hang in there. I had an awful emotional week last week as well, so I can sympathize. Sometimes you do just need a mental break from everything. I’m here if you need a friend.
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:26 am
@Romantic Comedee, Wow, everyone is so nice, thank you so much!!
[Reply]
Oh, I’m so sorry. That is just horrible. Unimaginable. My heart goes out to you and all the people affected.
I am glad you decided to post, though, because from an outside stance (mine) it is good to communicate something about what you’re feeling, even if you don’t have a real grasp on it at this point. The answer is, of course, that whatever way you deal with it is the right way to deal with it. As long as it’s progressive, and actual dealing then it is okay. No one can tell you what is right or wrong. If running helps, okay. If walking helps, okay. If sitting on your front step staring at the sky helps, that is OKAY too.
A couple years ago I witnessed a car accident wherein myself and other bystanders watched someone take their last breath before fire or paramedics could arrive. At the time, I thought it was horrible but I had no idea the long-term affect it would have on me, the affect that my own mind and thoughts would have on me. I couldn’t run, I couldn’t even begin to think about doing anything productive. I barely cared about eating (which had never happened to me before then, ever. I always eat), I couldn’t sleep. I had the “what if I had been in that lane” thoughts for a long time.
For me, the answer was of course time. Give yourself permission to process it. Give yourself permission to learn about how you deal with this sort of thing. I hope it never happens again, but it’s important that you take whatever time you need, do whatever you need to do to breathe a little easier again. You can take care of yourself, even if it’s in new ways that haven’t traditionally meant anything to you in the past. It doesn’t have to be a run, but you might wake up one day and feel the need to do it. Go with that, or whatever else you might feel.
Above all, keep talking about it. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, and to feel like you need time to get through it.
Take care, honey. Again, I’m so sorry. Love from Colorado!
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:30 am
@LesleyG, I have to say, I was devastated that day. The next two days I was definitely sad, but I thought I was ok so I went to work and it was business as usual. Then on Wednesday, everything came down like a ton of bricks and I didn’t even know how to handle it. Finally, over this past week I am feeling a little better. I flip out on people who come in and ask, “So which register was she shot at??” and this makes me sad for the rest of the night, but for the most part I am doing better. Hopefully I get in some much needed exercise this week.
And I am also really sorry about what you went through. I saw someone dead on the side of the road as a child and that image is forever seared in my brain. Strangely, I am a much more sensitive adult than I was a child. I remember seeing that man, but I never cried or even really got upset about it. My mother was a basket case for days though if I remember correctly.
[Reply]
*big hug* Take the time you need to recover. In time you’ll start working out again.
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:31 am
@Grace, Thanks for the “hug” I definitely need those
[Reply]
OMG, that’s horrible! I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now.
I like the endorphins that I get from running, but it does make it hard to get out of my head. I would imagine that if you have thoughts and ideas that you’d rather not deal with at the moment, that it would be hard to hit the pavement. I know that I’ve gone on long runs before and then come home both energized (physically) and depressed (mentally).
Can you run with an mp3 player? Sometimes, I listen to podcasts when I run. If you find something that’s really engaging, it might be a nice break.
{{{hugs}}} I hope that things get better soon!
[Reply]
racheleliz Reply:
June 20th, 2010 at 8:33 am
@Hope, Yes, that’s exactly how I feel! I almost think it would bring on an anxiety attack or something. I’ve been taking it pretty easy but I need to get back on it. I think I have calmed down enough to try it again, so hopefully this week will be the time.
I don’t have an MP3 player, I didn’t even know you could do that! I think I would rather listen to a podcast than music, it would be something I would actually pay attention too. I may need to look into this, thanks for letting me know!
[Reply]