If we ever meet in a dark alley, I want to be able to take Jillian down.

Day 1:  Sunday, March 28, 2010

I was feeling a little sick to my stomach, so I skipped the rock climbing gym.  Once my tummy was better, though, I was feeling MORE like a lazy ass, so I popped the DVD into the machine.

Jillian Michaels:  30-Day Shred

I was, to be perfectly honest, terrified.  Not only had I heard nearly every female blogger/twatterer I know complaining about how truly evil this workout was, but then April suggested that really…it’s not for beginners.

Ahem.  Screw that.  I can take it.  I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes.   It’s only a 20 minute workout, people.  So I said to Jillian Michaels, “Bring it on, bitch.”

And bring it she did.

Within the first 30 seconds, I had actually fallen on my face.  Because we started with PUSH-UPS.  (Side note:  April was all, “I can totally do push-ups for 45 seconds.”  She made it 20 seconds before she fell on her face.  Sucka.)

Curse you, Jillian.  A plague on both your houses.

Now, the night before, I had tried out my Pussy Cat Dolls sexy dance workout DVD.  I managed to pull a muscle in my forearm.  I really wish I could tell you I was kidding.  (Review of the PCD workout?  It might get you in shape.  If you did it 12 hours a day, everyday, for a year. Maybe.  But it’s fun and flirty and cute.)

For those of you who don’t know, the 30-Day Shred workout is three circuits, each containing three minutes of strength training, two minutes of cardio, and one minute of abs.  The whole thing is designed to maximize the muscles you’re exercising at one time.  There are three levels, so theoretically you’re supposed to do each for 10 days.  And let me tell you, it WORKS.

“But Jillian,” I said, “my arm HURTS!  I pulled a muscle in it last night when I was sexy dancing.  I know you didn’t see me because you were on the shelf over there and all covered in plastic, but…it HURTS!”

Jillian’s response:  “I don’t care, you big wussy, get down and give me 30!”

So I cursed at Jillian for the entire 20 minutes, and she fought back just as hard with weapons like, “You’re doing this for you.  If you don’t want to be healthy, don’t work so hard.  Doesn’t bother me.”

Whore.

I made it through the video, though I will admit giving up on a couple of things (like push-ups).  (I’ll get there.  I WILL get there.) My phone dinged and I had a text from my friends.  They were headed to Plucker’s after climbing.  So I washed my face, grabbed my keys, and headed out the door.

I live on the second floor, and my apartment has a parking garage.  When I hit that first step?  I almost tumbled head first down two flights of stairs.  My legs were like, “Screw you, ma’am.  We are DONE.”  But I made it to Plucker’s without incident.  I even ordered a salad.

This is when I discovered Jillian’s TRUE master plan.

My arms were so tired, I could barely lift my fork to my mouth.  I had maybe eight bites of my food before I was SPENT.  I’m pretty sure the plan is to make me so sore and so tired that I physically CAN’T eat. Well played, Jillian.  Well played.

The colon blow that I put in your smoothie is going to be a real kick in the pants.

After lunch, I felt so energized (Really, I did.  I was as puzzled as you are.) that I went up to April’s and we did 45 minutes of Turbo Jam cardio.  That lady?  Almost got punched in her vagina.  I cannot handle cheerful workout people.  And she was SUCH a dork.  But somehow, not in a good way.  Also, I couldn’t keep up.  Apparently, there’s some learning section, but April thinks it’s boring, so we didn’t do it.  It made me sweat, though, so mission accomplished.

For anyone who was thinking of trying Turbo Jam, April did it for three months a few years ago and she said it did work for her.  I would have killed that lady, or worse…my television.

I think my muscles are under the impression that they’ve done their part and now get a break.  Having to put them through Jillian Michaels again after work is really going to piss them off.

Tagged as: cardio, exercise, funny, mixing it up, the shred, Turbo Jam