I often make jokes about my weight. It’s one of those defense mechanisms, I’ve heard. Because if I make fun of me, it’s much harder for you to get the same pleasure out of making fun of me, right?
The reality of my life is this: I’ve struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.
I was a dancer (I’m not talking pole dancing here, people) as a kid, so being skinny was a must. I’m a big-boned (hehe) girl anyway, so it was that much harder for me to fit in and look like the other girls. I’ve had boobs and a butt since I was a pre-teen. They just sprouted. I didn’t ask for them.
I stopped dancing as a junior in high school. At graduation, I wore a size eight dress. I thought I was enormous. But I’d been conditioned to always think I was enormous. In dance, I even got chastised for the size of my feet. And really, how was I supposed to help that?
Pretty much everyone in my family is big. Except my biological father’s mother’s side of the family, we are sturdy people. I also grew up in the HEAT of the fast food craze.
It’s easy! It’s FAST! FRENCH FRIES TASTE GOOD I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
I’m not blaming my weight on any of these things. I choose what to put in my mouth (TWSS). I choose whether or not I keep myself active.
When I stopped dancing, I didn’t realize the full consequences of my actions. I just thought I was getting out of a world that made me a little crazy. A world where I would never really fit in, because my body didn’t fit the stereotype. No matter how good I was, I probably never would have made it as a professional dancer.
What I didn’t count on was the weight gain. And gain weight I did. A year or so after graduation, I was a size 10. The year after that, I was a size 12. You can guess where that led.
Over the course of the last decade, my average size has probably been somewhere around a 12. Most of the time, I wouldn’t consider myself fat, even though society does. But right now? I feel fat. I’m wearing a size 14, but more than that, I FEEL like crap.
And worse? I don’t even feel like doing anything about it.
I don’t have any grand story of overcoming and losing weight. I did lose 30 pounds at the beginning of last year, but that was due solely to the fact that I got dumped and was so upset I didn’t eat for six weeks. Hardly an accomplishment and definitely not something I would ever try to do again.
I’m sick and tired of feeling judged for everything I put in my mouth (okay, I can totally be judged for SOME things I put in my mouth. *wink wink*). I’m tired of being invisible because I don’t happen to wear a size 2. I’m tired of my weight being my most distinguishing feature.
I love who I am. I love my personality, my brain, my wit, my smile. But I know that a lot of my personality developed because I was never the skinny girl. When you’re the average-sized girl, no one sees you. You’re not skinny enough to be “hot” and you’re not fat enough to be teased. You’re just average. So I made damn sure that no one would ever ignore me. I’m loud and (sometimes) funny and I can easily hold the attention of a table full of strangers.
In addition, I have a great rack and a pretty nice ass.
Much as I’d like to fight to break the idea that skinny is the only way to be, I’m just not in the mood. I’ll never be a skinny girl. But I will be in better shape. I will find myself attractive again. I will do this for ME and not you.
And today? Is the day. I’m over it. I’m tired of justifying and making excuses and acting like it’s okay to be overweight. It isn’t. But the process of losing it is going to be rough. And I’m terrified that if I lose this extra weight, the attention that I get will seem cheap. I’m scared I won’t be me any more. My size is like my armor. Taking it off feels like going into battle in my skivvies.
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You will NOT lose who you are. I promise.
You have the right attitude for it…to do it for YOU and not anyone else. Being in better shape is more important than being ‘skinny’ and I know you know that.
You have the kind of personality that, no matter what you look like, will always shine through and yes, even when you’re more fit and skinnier, it will still be YOU that gets the attention.
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You are one awesome lady. Truly.
But I already knew that.
Today IS the day, and fuck all else. I’m with you.
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I’m so glad you said the last part about being scared. I’ve never been able to put into words how I feel and this hits the nail on the head. I’m really proud of you for posting this. You know you can do this, I’m going to be there for you every step of the way. xoxox
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“I love who I am. I love my personality, my brain, my wit, my smile.”
Like my dad always says, it’s too late in the game to change who you are. I take that to mean that no matter what I look like, I’ll always be me. And the same goes to you – your body is just the shell to your soul. It won’t change who you are if you change what it looks like.
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I love this. I love that you are brave enough to face it head on. The goal is to find that comfy place where you can live your life and not be obsessed with your weight, size, what you put in your mouth, all of it. We as women will never get away form being critical of ourselves and others, but I believe we can find a place of acceptance.
From my experience, the determination you’re showing here is all you need. I told myself one day that I would not take it anymore, that I would make my health my number one priority. And I did it. And I’m still doing it. Your fear is real and understandable, but your balls are bigger than the fear.
You already know this, but you have support, love, and a work-out buddy in me.
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I love this post. While we’ve discussed this a million times, I still found it incredible to see it in print. You are the most real person I know and I have no doubt that thinner, pretty in the face, muscles galore or otherwise YOU will not change. Maybe there will be more attention, but how cool that we KNOW when the attention is shallow because we’ve been the funny girls in the corner? Ahem, Natalie was “awkward” (supposedly) when she was younger and how fun is it to watch the idiots TRY to come up and hit on her now? I look forward to laughing at their asses when they try to come up to talk to you and skip by a girl like we are now. All I can say is, good luck to them!
You know I’m here every step of the way! And I’m sorry that anyone, even you doing it to yourself, has EVER made you feel so uncomfortable about weight. I understand it…and it sucks. Royally.
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Natalie Cottrell Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 2:52 pm
@April, Hey, I’m still awkward! I just lost the feathered bangs and giant, crooked teeth. (Now they’re giant and straight, thank you!)
For what it’s worth (I know no one wants to let Pretty Bitch play, and I can accept that), I gained about 30 lbs. when I quit dancing (just before junior high) and I was friggin miserable. I feel like they should require an exit interview of sorts so they can be like, “OK, you’re no longer going to be dancing 80 hours a week now. You can’t eat five full meals a day with a Lucky Charms nightcap, kay?” More than anything, that extra weight just feels terrible: nothing fits right, you despise the way you look in pictures, you hate the shit out of spring/summer, and all around it’s just hard to feel like the best version of yourself.
You won’t lost who you are, Shine. We won’t let you.
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I think we may be the same person
Love it.
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Ok, I was going to write something awesome and supportive but everyone beat me to it. You know how we feel about you and that you will not be any less awesome with a little less poundage. Make sure you and Sketch call me when you’re headed to the gym.
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Even when I was skinny, I was not petite, I’ve always been big boned and at 5’10″. I will never be petite.
I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be healthy. We can do it! <3
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There is a lot that can be said about how extra weight insulates us from the world in certain ways, I think. You pretty much nailed it here. For me it has just become the status quo, but I want to be more than my status quo! Let’s do it!
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This post is awesome and you have the right attitude. Even if you were small enough to fit in my pocket I have no doubt that you would still be as awesome as you are.
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Part of the reason I love the idea of this group is that noone has ever seen me. They don’t know how I look, and they won’t know how I look as the weight comes off, so I know the attention is genuine, and not based on my size.
Based solely on your words here, in this one post, I think you’re badass. I think you are *A* badass. And I’m happy you are doing this for you and not me.
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Apparently I’m the same person as you and this Tex above (minus the childhood dancer part)…you took the thoughts right out of my head.
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Former dancer/cheerleader here, and I totally get it lady. A big AMEN to this post.
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Amen…I’m a former dancer/ cheerleader and I feel you lady.
You are a badass and doing this on your terms is inspiring me. Xo
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I’m sososososo glad you wrote this. I feel like you just took words out of my brain, childhood dancing & all – and I see that I’m not the only one.
I don’t need to be mini. I don’t need to wear a 2. Even if I lose all the weight in the world, if I try my damndest & eat healthy & EVERYthing, if the end result is that I’m still a size 12 but that I feel hot & I have curves instead of pouches, so be it. I’ll take a 12 if it’s a healthy 12. I can do that. But I can’t do this lumpy, bumpy, disgusting 14 that makes me feel so bad about myself.
Thanks for writing this. <3
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We’ve been friends for a while, but I never knew how much we had in common! I too was a dancer and active child all my life. I graduated at a size 5 and still didn’t feel good about my body- I looked like Dolly Parton on a swizzle stick! Moving off to college kept all the weight off, being poor does that; but moving home afterward I slowly started putting on the pounds. My heaviest I was wearing an 11 jean. Now, I strattle the 8/9 bracket.
So, I am with you lady! I decided today was the day- I’m eating more healthfully and trying a more vegetarian diet. After a week, I already feel better (physically/emoti0onally) as well as feeling thinner. I have no idea if I’ve lost anything, but I think I’m sucking in a bit less and that’s an amazing feat. Keep me posted!
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Hmm, I think you just described ME. Except I was never a dancer. I took for granted how thin I was in high school merely from being in all of the extracurricular sports I was in, and when I went to college and became rather sedentary and discovered I could take naps IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WHENEVER I WANTED… well it all went downhill from there. I went from a size 7 to a size 14.
I hate the way I look, the way I feel about myself, but I can’t seem to get motivated to change. The thing is, though? According to the charts in the doctor’s office, I’m teerting on clinically obese. In reality – I’m not. I’m not fat. Sure, I’ve got weight I could stand to lose, and every day I find new little sources of flab that make me want to cry a little, but? I’m not huge. I’m curvy, which is fine. I would rather be curvy than stick-thin. I’ve got a nice set of breasts and my ass – while perhaps larger than it needs to be- isn’t too bad either.
And I’ve morphed into a much more outgoing person. Because if you’re the big girl, you have to be jolly and fun, right? Otherwise it’s just sad and pathetic.
It really, really doesn’t help that one of my best friends is a size 2 and constantly bemoans how much weight she gained this week or that she has to work out like a fiend because she dared eat three french fries last week. I mean, seriously.
Anyway I don’t know where I was going with this. I wish I could be more motivated… I’m kinda jealous.
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